Kellie Alexander's Blog

April 18, 2009

Is God the Lord, Or Am I?

Filed under: Uncategorized — kelliealexander @ 6:11 am

As I am writing a rough outline of the events of my life, one central theme continues to arise from the pages: “I knew it was a mistake. I did it anyway.” In so many of the events of my life, these words apply. Perhaps more because of this than anything else, the question regularly dogs me: Is God truly sovereign? I knew I was stepping outside of what God would want for me in so many situations, but He let me do it anyway, and that causes all sorts of conflicts inside me about His ability to somehow allow all of my mistakes and wanderings into the story of my life and still remain the Lord of my life.

I remember sitting in a small office at Metro Church Garland with Pastor Scott and a table filled with eager believers like myself. I don’t know that any of us were newly saved, but we were taking a class that sort of hit on the foundations of the Christian faith and certain basic information. I was answering one of the questions about Lordship – mind you, this was approximately 15 years ago – and I voiced this concept: “We do not make Him Lord, we remember He is Lord.” I remember several oohs and ahhs rising from our group as the stunning reality of that sort of oozed into our minds and hearts. It is true, God is always The Lord. That has not and will never change. I suppose if I had made all of the mistakes I have made and everything had turned out “all right” in my view, then I would probably have a very easy way of accepting God’s sovereignty. But, knowing that I am His blood bought child and that I have walked off of the path of righteousness knowingly and willingly so many times, and now having the unique and horrifying consequences in my life that I have makes it feel sometimes as though I have usurped God’s divine authority even in my own life, and He truly is not sovereign – at least not over my life.

This is where I am learning the difference between a life of faith and a life of emotional warm feelings. For, the Bible clearly shows us that God is indeed not only sovereign but the only sovereign in all of the universe, and no one, not even myself on my most powerful days of sin and self sufficiency, can ever or will ever unseat His Royal Majesty! It simply cannot be done. Maybe I feel so defeated in all of this because – if I am being completely honest with myself (which I genuinely try to do) – in truth, I would very much like to usurp His divine authority at least in some situations in my life. Let’s face it, if I could sit on God’s throne for ten minutes, I would make my son alright and I would bring him back to earth where he could live out a full life with all the dreams and desires that he and I talked about through the years being fulfilled in my way, in my time, and for my good pleasure. That’s it! I would indeed be God if I could. And the very fact that I cannot in this particular situation would suggest to me that I most certainly have not been sovereign in the myriad of other situations that my son and all of my loved ones and not so loved ones have faced along the way.

The question of God’s sovereignty versus my ability to step outside of His Kingship in my daily travels in this life can really fry my mental circuitry. I want to figure it all out. I want answers and I want them yesterday. I want to be sure. Even that desire is very much an emotional one and cannot be solved by anything less than simple faith. Imagine a young child in a loving family who’s belly begins to growl just about dinner time. What does the child often do? She sets down her toys or books or whatever she is currently engaged in and runs to her mother or father and asks, “What’s for dinner?” This child has not sat long hours and deeply pondered all the possibilities of her parents providing or not providing for her a meal this day. She simply believes and accepts that food will be in her future and, by faith – if I may – looks directly to her parents to provide that food. It’s not a question in her mind. They provide for her. I think of when Jesus said that unless we become like little children we will never enter the kingdom of heaven. We must accept many things about the Lord purely on faith – just because He said it – without trying to work it all out in our minds or somehow reconcile all the facts of the case. It is by faith. Period. But, that is another topic for another day.

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