Kellie Alexander's Blog

April 17, 2009

Life in Lessthanayearville

Filed under: Uncategorized — kelliealexander @ 7:39 am

Tomorrow marks nine months since you left us. It has been almost literally a roller coaster of horrible emotions and days of resolve. I have felt everything from utterly invincible to the most desperate sense of defeat. Nothing has ever challenged my soul more than the sometimes daily decision just to remain here and allow God to continue to do His work in me. It is certainly the loneliest journey I’ve ever walked. It is also the closest I have ever been to my God. I’ve seen in me elements of His grace that I never dreamed possible; and yet, I’ve never wished harder that a thing could be changed. All in all, it is a total dichotomy of all that is human mixed with the divine. Life changing to my utter amazement and still crushing me in ways I never could have imagined; the life draining from my members only to be filled anew with His life. What a bizarre experience this has been.

More on the human side of things, I have begun to at least think about what of your things. There is more here than I imagined at first. I do not tool about too aimlessly, but I am still keenly aware of a number of personal effects that will require action at some point. Your helmet you wore when you went to the races. Your twin swords we picked up in Thailand. Various cards and letters that had been given to you. The set of pots and pans I had bought as a gift in hopes that one day, you would have a normal life again. All of these things are somehow precious to me now. I cannot dare to part with them at this juncture. I cannot even bring myself to move them or collect them into one place. Everything I do makes it all real again. I have given up on the hope that this is all a dream, but I still don’t want to close every door and window to your life just yet. One of the things you don’t really think about until there’s been a little time is that, you haven’t only lost a person; you have also lost a life. Dreams. Visions. Hopes. Never to be fulfilled. Never. Even that word takes on a life of its own. So, I suppose at some point — maybe not in Lessthanayearville — but sometime I will have to gather it all up. Chronicle it somehow — perhaps some photos — perhaps a book. Place it all into tubs with lids and close those lids and place those tubs somewhere near but not in the way. I do not dare to imagine what happens in Yearsafterville. For now, I must live in the now.

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