Kellie Alexander's Blog

April 30, 2009

Warning! Your Balance May Appear Larger!

Filed under: Uncategorized — kelliealexander @ 8:33 am
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Bank Fraud. Plain and simple if you ask me. That’s what it is.

Yesterday, I stopped at an ATM machine to get a balance inquiry and was told that I had over a thousand dollars. I innocently believed that since I keep extra money on hand routinely for things like insurance and outstanding checks I may have forgotten about. I went about my business purchasing my groceries from two stores — in one store, I had asked the cashier to help me find an item after I checked out the first time, which I then paid for separately for a total of three debit purchases totaling less than $200.

Imagine my shock when I later went online to my bank site to pay bills only to discover that the three purchases had racked up a whopping $90 in fees!!!!! I was furious! This also upsets me greatly when I consider that I also have a savings account which had more than enough to cover a dozen similar purchases.

Well, what do you think I did? I am a customer of the bank, which makes me their meal ticket — even if I don’t rack up ridiculous fees. I went straight over there this morning and demanded (as pleasantly as possible, of course) that they return the fees or I will remove ALL of my money from their bank. We are business owners, so this should mean something to them as my personal checking and savings are only the tip of the iceberg.

Ten minutes later, after the polite teller went into another room (where I am convinced they do some calculations to determine if they’d be better off with my business or my $90), I was politely informed that the fees would be refunded and warned that “ATM balances are exaggerated”. Exaggerated? For what?! So you can trick some poor unsuspecting soul into making a boatload of charges to their already drained account? Folks! I smell a rat!

I am going to be filing a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission today. I don’t know if they’ll do anything to help unwitting consumers, but, By Golly, they ought to! It’s outright fraud I tell you. Criminal fraud!

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April 18, 2009

Is God the Lord, Or Am I?

Filed under: Uncategorized — kelliealexander @ 6:11 am

As I am writing a rough outline of the events of my life, one central theme continues to arise from the pages: “I knew it was a mistake. I did it anyway.” In so many of the events of my life, these words apply. Perhaps more because of this than anything else, the question regularly dogs me: Is God truly sovereign? I knew I was stepping outside of what God would want for me in so many situations, but He let me do it anyway, and that causes all sorts of conflicts inside me about His ability to somehow allow all of my mistakes and wanderings into the story of my life and still remain the Lord of my life.

I remember sitting in a small office at Metro Church Garland with Pastor Scott and a table filled with eager believers like myself. I don’t know that any of us were newly saved, but we were taking a class that sort of hit on the foundations of the Christian faith and certain basic information. I was answering one of the questions about Lordship – mind you, this was approximately 15 years ago – and I voiced this concept: “We do not make Him Lord, we remember He is Lord.” I remember several oohs and ahhs rising from our group as the stunning reality of that sort of oozed into our minds and hearts. It is true, God is always The Lord. That has not and will never change. I suppose if I had made all of the mistakes I have made and everything had turned out “all right” in my view, then I would probably have a very easy way of accepting God’s sovereignty. But, knowing that I am His blood bought child and that I have walked off of the path of righteousness knowingly and willingly so many times, and now having the unique and horrifying consequences in my life that I have makes it feel sometimes as though I have usurped God’s divine authority even in my own life, and He truly is not sovereign – at least not over my life.

This is where I am learning the difference between a life of faith and a life of emotional warm feelings. For, the Bible clearly shows us that God is indeed not only sovereign but the only sovereign in all of the universe, and no one, not even myself on my most powerful days of sin and self sufficiency, can ever or will ever unseat His Royal Majesty! It simply cannot be done. Maybe I feel so defeated in all of this because – if I am being completely honest with myself (which I genuinely try to do) – in truth, I would very much like to usurp His divine authority at least in some situations in my life. Let’s face it, if I could sit on God’s throne for ten minutes, I would make my son alright and I would bring him back to earth where he could live out a full life with all the dreams and desires that he and I talked about through the years being fulfilled in my way, in my time, and for my good pleasure. That’s it! I would indeed be God if I could. And the very fact that I cannot in this particular situation would suggest to me that I most certainly have not been sovereign in the myriad of other situations that my son and all of my loved ones and not so loved ones have faced along the way.

The question of God’s sovereignty versus my ability to step outside of His Kingship in my daily travels in this life can really fry my mental circuitry. I want to figure it all out. I want answers and I want them yesterday. I want to be sure. Even that desire is very much an emotional one and cannot be solved by anything less than simple faith. Imagine a young child in a loving family who’s belly begins to growl just about dinner time. What does the child often do? She sets down her toys or books or whatever she is currently engaged in and runs to her mother or father and asks, “What’s for dinner?” This child has not sat long hours and deeply pondered all the possibilities of her parents providing or not providing for her a meal this day. She simply believes and accepts that food will be in her future and, by faith – if I may – looks directly to her parents to provide that food. It’s not a question in her mind. They provide for her. I think of when Jesus said that unless we become like little children we will never enter the kingdom of heaven. We must accept many things about the Lord purely on faith – just because He said it – without trying to work it all out in our minds or somehow reconcile all the facts of the case. It is by faith. Period. But, that is another topic for another day.

April 17, 2009

Life in Lessthanayearville

Filed under: Uncategorized — kelliealexander @ 7:39 am

Tomorrow marks nine months since you left us. It has been almost literally a roller coaster of horrible emotions and days of resolve. I have felt everything from utterly invincible to the most desperate sense of defeat. Nothing has ever challenged my soul more than the sometimes daily decision just to remain here and allow God to continue to do His work in me. It is certainly the loneliest journey I’ve ever walked. It is also the closest I have ever been to my God. I’ve seen in me elements of His grace that I never dreamed possible; and yet, I’ve never wished harder that a thing could be changed. All in all, it is a total dichotomy of all that is human mixed with the divine. Life changing to my utter amazement and still crushing me in ways I never could have imagined; the life draining from my members only to be filled anew with His life. What a bizarre experience this has been.

More on the human side of things, I have begun to at least think about what of your things. There is more here than I imagined at first. I do not tool about too aimlessly, but I am still keenly aware of a number of personal effects that will require action at some point. Your helmet you wore when you went to the races. Your twin swords we picked up in Thailand. Various cards and letters that had been given to you. The set of pots and pans I had bought as a gift in hopes that one day, you would have a normal life again. All of these things are somehow precious to me now. I cannot dare to part with them at this juncture. I cannot even bring myself to move them or collect them into one place. Everything I do makes it all real again. I have given up on the hope that this is all a dream, but I still don’t want to close every door and window to your life just yet. One of the things you don’t really think about until there’s been a little time is that, you haven’t only lost a person; you have also lost a life. Dreams. Visions. Hopes. Never to be fulfilled. Never. Even that word takes on a life of its own. So, I suppose at some point — maybe not in Lessthanayearville — but sometime I will have to gather it all up. Chronicle it somehow — perhaps some photos — perhaps a book. Place it all into tubs with lids and close those lids and place those tubs somewhere near but not in the way. I do not dare to imagine what happens in Yearsafterville. For now, I must live in the now.

April 16, 2009

Some Things I’ve Learned This Past Year

Filed under: Uncategorized — kelliealexander @ 8:29 am

Well, today is my 39th birthday, and I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do SOME pontificating. So, here I will chronicle some of the important things I’ve learned in the last year of my life — which of course was generally a barn-burner!!!

One thing I’ve learned and this is really important and will shape my view of life forever more is this: when someone does or says something mean or spiteful toward me, it says something about THEM and really says nothing about ME. I think it’s funny that this has happened enough over a lifetime that I would come to see such a truth. Well, it wasn’t funny all the times it has happened, and I have had those “what on earth is WRONG with me?” moments many, many times; but, it’s starting to become a little bit funny — I mean really in the HA HA sense of the word. It’s so ridiculous that I really do laugh about it today! But, seriously, it is teaching me over and over that everything I need to know about me is written in God’s word, and everything else and anything contrary to that is simply a lie which I am learning to reject. This is good news!

I have begun to see that I really do have an enemy and that he really has tried to convince me all of my life that I am worthless, and I think there must be a really important reason why he has been doing this for as long as I can remember. And, I’ve started realizing that I am really called to something higher — like I’ve always suspected, and that to fulfill that calling will require that I disregard all forms of human approval (or disapproval) because if getting humans to like me is my goal, there is no possible way I will fulfill my calling. Tough to learn, but critical to moving into God’s calling for my life.

I am learning to appreciate “The Great Divine Thwarting” that John Eldredge talks about. How God will purposefully allow me to become discontented with the world and all of its systems for the express purpose of showing me who I really am and Who He really is, and how important my utter dependence upon Him has become. I mean, I’m sure it’s important for everyone, but for whatever reason, He is choosing to show me and for whatever reason, I am choosing to see it.

I am learning that — truly — everything in life is temporary. I am temporary. My kids are temporary. My relationships with people are temporary. Money and things and status are temporary. Marriage is temporary. Affection is temporary. “The best things in life” are temporary. Health and happiness and sadness and death — all are temporary. I guess I could basically paraphrase the book of Ecclesiastes. It’ll all end one day. The one thing that will never end is God. His word and His acceptance are really all that matter in the end. When I go to bed at night, I talk to God, because most of the time there is no one else, and all of the time there is no one better.

I know it seems strange, but I smile as I write all these things. I know from all my travels into the valley of the shadow that ultimately I will be with the Lord in all of His glory one day; and for that I am truly and eternally grateful. And, for that, I can endure anything that comes my way. I also smile in a sort of resolution that for all that I have already endured, things can get much harder and much scarier and much lonelier than they already have been, and I sincerely hope that I don’t have a lot more to face in the valley. But, regardless of what is in store, I know that I shall endure, even if my emotions would prefer not to some days.

Happy Birthday to me! Even if I do say so myself. ❤ :~)

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